In a previous article, I presented the accounts of a number of Muslim women who are seeking a spouse. They encountered many obstacles in their search, as these women were quite determined to find a prospective husband who practices Islam in a sincere and determined way.
What strategies have they tried?
In their quest to find their soul mate, single women pursue various avenues, both traditional and modern. The following accounts have been shared with me by two women. Their names have been changed for privacy reasons.
Lina says, “I have told friends and family I am looking for someone, but no one seems to know anyone they could introduce me to. I have tried two different matchmakers — one of them was ridiculously expensive and thought she had the right to tell me I was too fussy if I didn’t want to meet someone, since she didn’t actually take the time to ask me what I was looking for or take my deal breakers into account when picking someone for me to meet.”
“I have also tried in-person events,” she continues. “The ones that are like speed dating are awful and I stay away from those because you can’t have meaningful conversations with anyone that way. There are lots to choose from these days, so it takes some trial and error to find the type of event that works for you.”
Aminah says she has tried to find a spouse “by word of mouth (through family and friends), Muslim marriage/dating apps, Muslim social events, Muslim marriage events, WhatsApp groups, and mosque matrimonial services.” Not all have been very helpful. “The apps are geared towards making you pay for subscriptions and keeping you on there as a member for as long as possible,” she says, “and I did not meet anyone through a WhatsApp group or Muslim marriage event.”
Some women question — Why get married at all?
If the husband search is so stressful, and high-quality Muslim men are apparently so hard to find — why do women persevere?
“I want a companion to experience life with,” says Lina. “There is only so much I want to do on my own or with friends. There are experiences and goals I want to achieve with my husband, like going for hajj with them. I want to have children of my own which is a very big thing I would like to do in my life. It is from the sunnah to get married, and there are blessings that become open to you only when you are married. I want to experience this.”
Aminah says, “It is the only way we as Muslims can experience physical affection and intimacy, have children, and build a family. I want to get married to safeguard myself from haram, for emotional support and companionship. I also want my bloodline to continue and for my offspring to love and worship Allah (SWT) and follow the sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him) until the day of qiyamah [resurrection], as a means of sadaqah jaariyah [ongoing charity] for me after I die.”
“It is quite a solitary, lonely life without a partner,” Aminah explains. “In Muslim culture and society, there is a real obsession with marriage, and women who are not married past a certain age are not respected.” Aminah believes her age is the main thing holding her back. “I started the marriage search when I was twenty-nine, not having family support in my search. I let people waste my time, and it was difficult to find someone of similar age, educational background, professional status, halal/haram ratio. The majority of men my age (along with their families) are looking for a wife much younger.”
“As a divorcee,” says Lina, “I am clear on what I am looking for and what my deal breakers are. I am not prepared to get married for the sake of being married if it means sacrificing my peace or putting my imaan [faith] at risk. Some may say I’m picky, but I believe I have standards which I enforce so I don’t go through what I have endured in the past. I also need someone who can be patient and understanding with me, as I still have some triggers from my past marriage that come up when I discuss marriage and past experiences with potential husbands.”
Advice for women seeking to marry
Is there anything women can do to avoid heartache and disappointment in their search for a husband? Although they have not yet found their own soulmates, Aminah and Lina have learned some important lessons along the way. They offer this advice to fellow single Muslimahs:
“I would encourage women to have their wali [guardian, protector] involved straight away, as there is wisdom in this, and it is a protection,” says Lina. “Don’t be afraid to ask as many questions as possible and as soon as possible. Don’t meet anyone until you have a list of your needs, wants, and deal breakers. DO NOT COMPROMISE YOUR NEEDS OR DEAL BREAKERS. Make sure your values and future goals are similar. Know your love language, personality type, and attachment type. Find out theirs and consider this in your decision.”
“Don’t be afraid to have disagreements when getting to know someone,” adds Lina, “as it will show you their conflict resolution style and whether they have the humility to apologize. While being able to communicate well is paramount, it becomes more important if they can continue this during disagreements. Pay attention to how they make you feel in good and difficult interactions. Trust this instinct. You may have to sit with this emotion and figure out why you feel this way, as it may have to do more with you than them.”
“Always consult others and have them meet a potential man BEFORE you decide if it will progress,” continues Lina. “Others can often see traits/red flags/good characteristics that you do not see and give you food for thought or the confidence to proceed. Consider premarital counseling. If a man says no, why is he saying no? Draw up nikah [marriage contract] conditions for yourself — this can be anything you have discussed and agreed upon. Make it comprehensive, have it signed before the nikah. It’s there to protect you, so if he doesn’t agree to it, ask yourself why. Pray istikharah and always ask Allah SWT for clarity, guidance and protection.”
Aminah advises, “Start the search for a spouse as early as possible. Learn the signs of someone wasting your time. Do not waste your time with anyone. Move on quickly if someone or a situation is not for you.”
Conclusion
In the previous article on this topic, I mentioned the marriage of the Prophet (peace be upon him) with Khadijah (may Allah be pleased with her). It is worth repeating that the Prophet was 25 years old when he married Khadijah bint Khuwaylid who was around fifteen years his senior and twice widowed. The two enjoyed a blissful marriage for 25 years. She was his staunchest supporter and the first person to embrace Islam. He (peace be upon him) loved her so much that she was always in his heart, even after her death and his subsequent marriages.
If Muslim men and women strove to follow the beautiful example of the Prophet and Khadijah, they would find that love can bloom between any two people when their character is good, there is mutual respect, and they trust in Allah. In the end, for this marriage crisis to be resolved, it will take a sincere commitment to pleasing Allah. May Allah guide our ummah, have mercy on us, and enable us to form strong and healthy unions. Ameen.
The video of Sayed’s killing sparked even more protests, with thousands of students pouring into the streets. Protesters were sparked further by the way the government refused to meet any demands. Sheikh Hasina, Bangladesh’s prime minister, ruling for over 15 years, called protesters “Razakar,” which is an offensive term used for collaborators. Protests turned more violent when police started attacking more and more student protesters in Dhaka. The government then shut down universities and cut off the internet. According to Al Jazeera, at least 187 people were killed, and 1,000 were arrested between July 10 and July 20.
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